Single On Valentine’s Day

Single on the day that celebrates Love. I see so many people talking about being sad because they are single or people that hate Valentine’s Day for a wealth of different reasons: it’s a commercialized holiday, you should celebrate and love your partner every day, people that have been alone for a long time and are sad, lonely and angry etc. etc. Here’s my perspective.

Any way that you feel is okay, and it’s okay to express that. It’s your right, in fact.

I understand. I’ve thought about all the passionate expressions of opinions about Valentine’s Day. I get the perspective from each.

I too, have my own opinions. I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day. Hell, I got married on it once. I’m a diehard romantic, what can I say. Just because I am single on this one doesn’t mean I will be next year or that I hate the holiday this time around. I still believe in marriage too, even though I am divorced.

How do you get through if you are single and wish you weren’t? Recognize this is one day. The older you get, the shorter the days become. This one will be over before you know it. Do something constructive with your day that celebrates love. That could mean spending time with your children if you’re a single parent. Children give us free unconditional love for so many years. Eat it up while you have it. Celebrate YOURSELF. You are beautiful and you are unique and you are special. The mold was broken when you were born. There isn’t another one of you ANYWHERE. There is a lid for every pot. Try to think about people out there that may be even lonelier than yourself. Visit a home for the elderly and you’ll know what I am talking about. Head to the local animal shelter and walk a dog that’s dying for some love and attention. ¬†Express yourself through art. Crayons, paints, a dreamboard collage, pound out some playdough. CREATE. Get in touch with nature. Okay, I will admit, this is one of the coldest Valentine’s on record, at least in the Northeast, so maybe today isn’t the best day for a walk in the woods unless you are really bundled up. Take some pictures from your window. Appreciate beauty. It’s in the smallest twig and blade of grass. MOVE. Don’t lie around feeling depressed, at least not all day. If you are feeling sorry for yourself, allow yourself a certain amount of time to really indulge in those feelings, then move on. Cry and scream in your pillow for ten minutes, take a thirty minute nap, whatever you need. Then take a shower or bath and get moving. I’m not saying a movie or book is a bad idea today and maybe that’s what you need to treat yourself, just don’t give in to feeling sorry for yourself for too long. If long-standing depression (not situational) is an issue for you, seek out the help you’ve been putting off, most likely BECAUSE of your depression. Help CAN help, trust me on this. If you need someone to talk to today because of deep depression call a suicide hotline. No one will know other than you and the person on the receiving end, so you don’t have to worry about any stigma attached to it. Exercise. Endorphins provide a natural “high” and whatever type of workout you like, there’s a free youtube video out there to guide you through it. Even if your depression is situational, seek out some help. At least having one person to talk to on a regular basis about your problems can be helpful. If you’re single and can afford it, go out and buy YOURSELF the gifts you wish you were getting. If you want flowers or chocolates or jewelry or lingerie or champagne or even just a card describing how AMAZING you are….GO GET IT. If you don’t have that deep love for yourself that believes you deserve all these things then the only way to build it is to start somewhere, anywhere. Treat yourself in the loving, kind, generous way that you deserve. If you are partnered up but didn’t get what you’re hoping for, do this too. Masturbate. If you’ve lost touch with your own sexuality, make some time today to find your way back to your own sexual self-love. If you really don’t want to be single, then figure out how to attract love into your life. Tackle it like you would any problem. Learn about yourself and really understand the mistakes you’ve made in past relatonships or choices in partners. Research and learn about how to attract love into your life. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. However you think is a good way to meet people for you, DO that. When you’re feeling good, reach out to someone that may not be. Misery may love company but I bet it loves a good laugh even more. Don’t contact your ex. If they wanted you? They’d be contacting you. You deserve someone that would walk through a wall of fire to have you.

There’s enough hate in the world. Let’s not bash a day bent on celebrating the love.

Message In A Bottle

It’s humbling how in this modern age where we are all connected to each other in a myriad of ways and instantly, how truly alone a person can still feel. Social media is one of the strongest oxymorons there is. Yet we all feel the pull. We all want to connect.

It’s become a joke amongst men to talk about “girls with their Daddy issues” but feeling abandoned is no joke. Some say that we are in an age where compassion is expanding and we are on the verge of becoming a more enlightened society but I’m not sure I see it…at least here in the U.S. it seems we have some of the harshest people on earth. We can turn everything into comedy, lighten everything to be a pardoy of itself. Like the Black Eyed Peas I feel like I am one of the few still wailing “Where Is The Love??”

I do see things ARE really changing, electing a black President was huge, and it shows people are eager for growth. Everything changes, expansion and growth are ineveitable, change is inevitable and I believe change is so healthy and important. The labor pains can be brutal though. I think a woman president is what we need next but the TYPE of woman we elect is just as important. To me, Hilary is too masculine for the job.

I’m going through changes. I’m facing things that frighten me and like a chick watching a horror movie on a first date I want to reach out and grab a hand to hold. Will you hold my hand? Also like the chick IN the horror movie I can’t help but plow on ahead and open that door. It’s scary, but it has to be done and we all know it. Crawling up in the fetal position and crying just doesn’t make for good t.v.

I’ve got something to say. As I get older it seems more and more important to say it to someone, anyone, that will listen. The internet seems like an appropriate place to do it, like a rock tossed into a pond, the ripple on the inside may be small, but who knows how far it will go in the end.

Back to the Blog

I’ve had several people ask me when I will start blogging at Mindchaotica again…I have no plans to at this point. I’ve parted ways for the time being, through no fault of theirs but because of personal reasons in my own crazy chaotic life. I will admit I miss the blogging though, so I’ve created this new site for when the tickle becomes impossible not to scratch. Today being such a day.

Today is an anniversary of sorts for my beloved and I, and I feel the need to reflect. Six months ago today, I walked into Starbucks in downtown Northampton. As I stood in line I frantically looked around, but it didn’t take long for me to spot him. Our eyes met and he smiled that smile that gets me every time, I can’t HELP but smile back, and he makes me feel as if we are co-conspirators and the only ones in on the joke. It’s etched in my memory, I hope, for all time.

A month and a half prior I had placed three personal ads online. I even blogged about the ads, the resulting responses, and the differences between the three dating sites. He says he responded first to the one I had at Match.com, but I believe before long we were corresponding on all three….as well as on Facebook, via text and email and we even talked on the phone for a good month before I agreed to meet in person. I was putting it off, you see. With what I thought was good reason…because we had met before.

We went to high school together. We weren’t tight or close but we did run in the same circles. I dated his best-friend briefly in junior high, he dated my childhood best-friend in high school. When he responded to my ad naturally I forecasted ahead to the worst case scenario: here’s me living back in my childhood home for less than a year at this point, suppose I date this guy from high-school, it doesn’t work out and now it’s Facebook gossip fodder. I wasn’t having it. So I put it off for as long as possible, went on several other dates, which I was even callous enough to tell him about. One night I actually got stood up and I rang him up to direct me to a good local restaurant…I had planned to have dinner and dinner I intended to have. Nights without my children were few and far between. He mentioned a local Thai joint and I ate there alone but thoroughly enjoyed my Pad Thai. Despite all my precautions, our friendship was building and I realized I had come to the inevitable point; I either had to meet him in person and see where this thing was going to go or stop screwing around with the poor guy via late night texts where I stepped all over the line of what was appropriate. So I bit the bullet one day and suggested coffee early the next morning. As soon as I saw that smile, I knew. Sometimes a gal just knows. It was two days before Christmas and he had a homemade Christmas card for me…a photograph he took. I carried that card around with me for God only knows how long, it’s been stepped on and spilled on by this point. After we parted I went to my car, I was revved up on caffeine and excitement and I texted him to ask if he would meet me again to go shopping…I wanted to keep going. He agreed and I dragged him through the mall, me stealing glances, him swaggering through the stores. We lunched afterward and when it was over it was hard for me to leave him, hard to admit the day and our time together was over. It’s been that way every day since, although sometimes we now have as many as three full days together, when we’re really lucky. Usually only two, every two weeks. But each one is precious to me…valued and treasured and I eagerly wait for those days to come. Even when I have my children he usually manages to see me most days…because he puts in the effort, he tries, he’s good, and that’s just one of the millions of reasons I fell so wildly in love with him.

So what’s it like after 45 years of being alive, two failed marriages under my belt, four kids (two grown and out of the house from my first marriage-two grade school kids still at home and one special needs at that and a petty, vindictive, abusive ex-husband trying to sabotage my every move) to meet the man I feel is my one true love, my soulmate, my everything?? It’s a little surreal. It’s surprising, and at my age, it really is lovely to still be surprised. It’s sustaining and I draw so much strength from him. It’s sweet, and it feels decadent. It’s special and I feel lucky. It’s work, but it still seems to come much easier than anything that came before it. It’s my own personal slice of heaven…it’s a sly secret I carry with me everywhere I go. I also feel the need to share it though…to let the world know, it’s never too late. Don’t ever give up. Love can and will find you. Believe. Choose hope. Choose life. Choose love.