I’ve had several people ask me when I will start blogging at Mindchaotica again…I have no plans to at this point. I’ve parted ways for the time being, through no fault of theirs but because of personal reasons in my own crazy chaotic life. I will admit I miss the blogging though, so I’ve created this new site for when the tickle becomes impossible not to scratch. Today being such a day.
Today is an anniversary of sorts for my beloved and I, and I feel the need to reflect. Six months ago today, I walked into Starbucks in downtown Northampton. As I stood in line I frantically looked around, but it didn’t take long for me to spot him. Our eyes met and he smiled that smile that gets me every time, I can’t HELP but smile back, and he makes me feel as if we are co-conspirators and the only ones in on the joke. It’s etched in my memory, I hope, for all time.
A month and a half prior I had placed three personal ads online. I even blogged about the ads, the resulting responses, and the differences between the three dating sites. He says he responded first to the one I had at Match.com, but I believe before long we were corresponding on all three….as well as on Facebook, via text and email and we even talked on the phone for a good month before I agreed to meet in person. I was putting it off, you see. With what I thought was good reason…because we had met before.
We went to high school together. We weren’t tight or close but we did run in the same circles. I dated his best-friend briefly in junior high, he dated my childhood best-friend in high school. When he responded to my ad naturally I forecasted ahead to the worst case scenario: here’s me living back in my childhood home for less than a year at this point, suppose I date this guy from high-school, it doesn’t work out and now it’s Facebook gossip fodder. I wasn’t having it. So I put it off for as long as possible, went on several other dates, which I was even callous enough to tell him about. One night I actually got stood up and I rang him up to direct me to a good local restaurant…I had planned to have dinner and dinner I intended to have. Nights without my children were few and far between. He mentioned a local Thai joint and I ate there alone but thoroughly enjoyed my Pad Thai. Despite all my precautions, our friendship was building and I realized I had come to the inevitable point; I either had to meet him in person and see where this thing was going to go or stop screwing around with the poor guy via late night texts where I stepped all over the line of what was appropriate. So I bit the bullet one day and suggested coffee early the next morning. As soon as I saw that smile, I knew. Sometimes a gal just knows. It was two days before Christmas and he had a homemade Christmas card for me…a photograph he took. I carried that card around with me for God only knows how long, it’s been stepped on and spilled on by this point. After we parted I went to my car, I was revved up on caffeine and excitement and I texted him to ask if he would meet me again to go shopping…I wanted to keep going. He agreed and I dragged him through the mall, me stealing glances, him swaggering through the stores. We lunched afterward and when it was over it was hard for me to leave him, hard to admit the day and our time together was over. It’s been that way every day since, although sometimes we now have as many as three full days together, when we’re really lucky. Usually only two, every two weeks. But each one is precious to me…valued and treasured and I eagerly wait for those days to come. Even when I have my children he usually manages to see me most days…because he puts in the effort, he tries, he’s good, and that’s just one of the millions of reasons I fell so wildly in love with him.
So what’s it like after 45 years of being alive, two failed marriages under my belt, four kids (two grown and out of the house from my first marriage-two grade school kids still at home and one special needs at that and a petty, vindictive, abusive ex-husband trying to sabotage my every move) to meet the man I feel is my one true love, my soulmate, my everything?? It’s a little surreal. It’s surprising, and at my age, it really is lovely to still be surprised. It’s sustaining and I draw so much strength from him. It’s sweet, and it feels decadent. It’s special and I feel lucky. It’s work, but it still seems to come much easier than anything that came before it. It’s my own personal slice of heaven…it’s a sly secret I carry with me everywhere I go. I also feel the need to share it though…to let the world know, it’s never too late. Don’t ever give up. Love can and will find you. Believe. Choose hope. Choose life. Choose love.